WHO is wearing a TUTU now?
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: One night, a crazy girl had a crazy vision of a certain TeniPuri male in a tutu -- and this fic was born. It really doesn't have much to do with tutus, but it has everything to do with someone's rear end being on fire.


A/N: Well it was time for me to try my hand at a reunion fic! Raar! (Er -- was that perhaps the wrong noise for the situation?) Wahahaha. I hope I don't make too many enemies when you find out what I've done to our favorite boys. Muwahahahahaha. *insert many different maniacal laughs here* It didn't turn out exactly like I wanted, but once it got started, it wouldn't stop!!! Argh!! It ended up being a parody of reunion fics, really. 

**__**

Who is wearing a tutu now?

He stopped. Blinked. Backed up a few steps, and turned his head a few degrees to the left.

Blinked again.

Resumed walking, and tried to put the poster he'd seen out of his mind.

Apparently, Akutsu Jin had kept a secret when he was younger -- and kept it well. After all, to be a ballet dancer, you had to start young -- and there he was, Akutsu Jin himself, in an add for a ballet...in tights.

__

Tights.

It was the usual costume for someone in a ballet, but this was _Akutsu Jin_, wearing **TIGHTS**.

Best to forget about it, really.

Although, he was on his way to a reunion, so he would probably learn a lot more disturbing information while he was there.

He wondered fleetingly if Akutsu would be there -- and then he had a disturbing mental image of Akutsu in a pink tutu, and stopped thinking about it abruptly.

Reunion. One of those things it would probably be best to avoid -- and yet, he was compelled to go there, by some unseen force in the universe. After all, it wasn't every day that someone proposed a reunion -- and not just any reunion, but one that would bring together his former tennis team from junior high, plus the majority of the teams that they'd faced back then. It was enough to make even the grouchiest of men feel all nostalgic and cheesy. (And of course, Echizen Ryoma was one of those grouchy men...who was currently feeling nostalgic and cheesy.)

When he arrived at the hotel, he paused for a moment to blink at the sign.

"Oshitari's." Well, who would have guessed. Oshitari, a hotel owner? That didn't seem to fit.

Echizen entered the restaurant, where the dinner would be held. He was greeted by something he would never have expected, years ago. Oshitari Yuushi's former doubles partner, Mukahi Gakuto -- in a skirt.

"Hello, and welcome to Oshitari's!" 

Mukahi Gakuto the waitress. Who would have guessed? (Echizen had a feeling that would be the phrase of the evening.)

"Oh, it's _you._ I remember _you_," Mukahi sneered, losing his cheerful waitress face. "Seigaku is at table one. A few have already arrived, including that _bitch_ Kikumaru. Oh, I want to smash his face in!"

"Now, now, Gakuto. Not while in uniform." Echizen hadn't noticed Oshitari approach. He was just a little creepy, in his all black attire, blending with the shadows behind Mukahi. He had a very mysterious air about him...Echizen wondered why on Earth someone like him would do something like open a hotel. (Probably to see Mukahi in a skirt -- in more situations than one, but Echizen's mind did not work on that level. At least, not where those two were involved.)

Echizen approached table one. Most of the former Seigaku regulars were already there, save for Inui and Kaido. Kikumaru noticed him first, and waved madly at him.

"Hey, it's ochibi! I haven't seen you in forever! Come sit down and tell us what you've been doing with yourself!"

Echizen waited for the flailing of the arms to stop before he sat, lest he get a black eye. 

"Nice to see you again, Echizen!" Momoshiro said, giving Echizen a friendly whack on the back. Almost causing him to bring up his appendix.

"Itaisu, Momo-sempai."

"Aw, won't you call me Momo-chan already? Nobody ever did!"

"Nya nya, ochibi! What do you do these days?"

"I play tennis," Echizen replied. Standard answer. It was still the truth.

"I'm an aerobics instructor! I love my job, nya! What does everyone else do? You first, buchou!!"

"Tennis rehab," Tezuka replied. Ah, his voice was still monotone, as it had always been. Echizen found that he had missed it. He definitely didn't miss running laps though.

"I've been dabbling in politics," Fuji said -- he still had the same smile as years ago. It was fairly disturbing. "You'll be seeing my face everywhere, soon. I'm going to take over the world."

A smile that people could trust. Except they really shouldn't. Echizen felt sorry for the world.

"You next, Taka-san!"

"Well, you all know I became a sushi chef," Kawamura said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Momo!!"

"Hey, haven't you seen my picture on TV already? I'm a basketball star! Basketball!"

"Basketball? What about tennis?"

"Hell, I was doing basketball moves while playing tennis!"

"Oh, that's true enough."

"Tell them what you do, Shuichiro! They'll all be surprised!"

"Er...I'm a kindergarten teacher."

"Isn't he kawaii?" Eiji gushed. Which caused Oishi to blush.

"I wonder what Inui's been up to?" Fuji commented.

Right on cue, Inui made his grand entrance. He wore an expensive-looking suit, and Kaido trailed behind him. It seemed as if the room had gone silent. Inui wielded that sort of power.

"Ah...Good to see you all," he said. His cell phone rang. "Oh, excuse me." 

After a brief conversation, he hung up, with a smug smile on his face.

"Inui...we were just discussing our professions," Oishi said. "What do you do?"

"I own everything," Inui replied.

"Um...everything?"

"Yes. You all work for me, in one way or another."

"Stop trying to scare them," Kaido scolded. (Yes, scolded. With a hiss preceding and following, of course.) Inui just chuckled, and sat down.

The former Seigaku regulars chatted about this and that, until they were interrupted by someone clearing their throat over a microphone.

It was a tall, looming, scary-looking man. It had to be Kabaji Munehiro, from Hyoutei.

The room was silent, waiting for him to speak.

"Usu," he said, then he handed the microphone over to a VERY extravagantly dressed Atobe Keigo.

"Apparently everyone has arrived, so dinner will be served! I'm sure you all remember ore-sama, so I'm not going to bother to introduce myself. I arranged this whole evening, so you'd better enjoy yourselves. And don't forget to bow down and worship me for a while afterwards."

"Still the same as always, it seems," Fuji commented. There were a few chuckles.

~~~~~

At table six, the former Hyoutei boys were having a similar conversation about professions.

"So you really work in a sleep clinic?" Shishido asked doubtfully once again. Jiroh nodded enthusiastically. 

"When they diagnosed my sleeping disorder and treated it, I realized my true calling! I love being awake! I want to help people like me, and make them better! I love..." Jiroh's eyes fell shut and his face fell into his food.

"I wouldn't trust him with any sleeping disorder I had," Shishido muttered.

"You never get enough sleep," Ohtori said. 

"Well, I'm a rock star. It happens."

"But I worry about you!" 

"Choutarou..." Shishido blushed. He hated when Ohtori was all emotional in public.

"I can't believe Oshitari owns this place," Hiyoshi commented.

"Hey...I didn't notice you were here!" Shishido exclaimed. "I forgot you used to be a regular."

"..." Hiyoshi wondered if the pain would ever stop. He wished that someone, somewhere would remember who he was, someday. 

~~~~~

At tables five, four, and three, the former regulars of Johsei Shounan, Fudomine, and Rokkaku sat, also having similar conversations. But that conversation gets boring after a while so it will be skipped.

~~~~~

"Let's do Karaoke!" Kikumaru yelled suddenly, after dinner was done. 

A karaoke machine was located, and Kikumaru went first. 

"Zippity doo da!"

And after he was through torturing everyone with his overly cheerful song, he demanded a volunteer to go next.

A figure clothed in very expensive-looking (purple) garments took the mic, raised it too his lips...and started shaking his hips.

"I'm a model, you know what I mean, and I shake my little tush on the catwalk..." (the last part involving the purple-clad individual shaking his little tush for the audience)

"Whoa! Hot stuff!"

There were a few whistles.

At table two, the former members of St. Rudolph's tennis team were gaping.

"Isn't that...Mizuki?" Akazawa asked.

Yuuta nodded. He was slightly embarrassed about the carryings-on of his significant other. Who really _was_ a model, by the way. 

"He really is shaking it, da ne," Yanagisawa commented.

"Aaah! My EYES!" screamed someone in the crowd.

"Make it stop! Please, make it stop!"

"Take it off!"

"Make it stop!"

"There seem to be mixed feelings about his striptease," Kisarazu commented.

"Aaah! His voice is making my ears bleed!"

"And his singing, da ne."

Yuuta prayed for Mizuki to stop stripping before he _really_ got embarrassed. (And silently cursed whoever was insulting his precious Hajime-chan's singing voice.) Thankfully, he was dragged off the stage by a giant cane -- held by none other than Fuji Syusuke.

So, their ongoing stupid rivalry could come in handy once in a while, Yuuta mused.

That ended the pathetic attempt at karaoke. The DJ (who was Kabaji, as instructed by Atobe) started up some music, and the reunion-goers moved into the lobby to mingle.

~~~~~

"Nande? Nande?!" Itsuki demanded. He wasn't really aware that he was talking to a wall, since it had far more personality than some of the people he interviewed. As a reporter, he most often got stuck with the boring jobs. (He didn't realize that it was because the more interesting stars couldn't stand him, and had mental breakdowns after his relentless nande-ing.)

"Is that guy talking to a wall?" Kamio asked Momo.

"He could be. So, what have you been up to all this time?"

"This and that. I haven't found a job I really liked yet."

"Ah."

"Stolen any bikes lately?"

"You're never going to let me forget that, are you?"

"No. I still hate you. I've dreamt of getting revenge for a long, long time, and tonight, I am going to get it!" An evil laugh was emitted from Kamio.

"I think you'd better stop drinking."

Kamio looked into his empty glass. "I think you might be right about that."

~~~~~

"Ah, Fuji Syusuke. I've been waiting for the day when we finally met again, and I could --"

Mizuki blinked. He could have sworn Fuji was right in front of him a second ago. He looked around, and spotted Fuji chatting happily with Saeki.

"Ah! Just for once, can't I finish my speech?" Mizuki screeched. A few windows broke.

"I wonder what caused that?" Fuji commented to Saeki. 

~~~~~

"I haven't been getting many jobs lately at the club, unfortunately," Davide said.

"Ah, what kind of club?" Oishi asked.

"I'm a stand-up comedian."

"Oh...I see. Um...what's your day job?"

"I'm a hair dresser."

"That sounds like a good job," Oishi said. 

"It is, and let's hope for the sake of the world he sticks to it!" Kurobane exclaimed.

Davide felt vaguely offended by that statement. Why didn't anyone appreciate his humor??

~~~~~

Echizen found himself standing face to face with Akutsu Jin. Who was thankfully NOT wearing a tutu.

"So. You're here, brat."

"Yeah."

"..."

"I saw your poster."

"Did you."

"Yeah."

"..."

"I'm going to have nightmares."

"Good."

"..."

That was about all they had to say to each other. 

~~~~~

Somehow, four unlikely people had struck up a conversation in a corner. It was a good thing no one else was around them, because anyone listening probably would have gone insane within a few seconds.

"You're pretty cute, da ne!"

"I'm a boy, desu!"

"That really doesn't matter, da ne! Half the population here swings that way, da ne!"

"Oooh romance is blooming, nya!"

"Sss." Kaido blushed. "Romance."

"I haven't had a romance in...well ever, da ne! So I'm getting a little desperate, da ne!"

"Um...what exactly is your profession, desu?" Dan Taichi asked, desperate for a change in topic.

"I'm a telemarketer, da ne!"

"Interesting, desu." What Dan Taichi really meant by that was that Yanagisawa was definitely annoying enough to be a telemarketer, but the cute boy (man, now) was too polite to say it.

"Nya! I do aerobics classes!"

"Sss."

"I want to be loved, da ne!"

"I'm going somewhere else, desu!"

~~~~~

"Ah! Echizen! How nice to see you!" exclaimed Aoi Kentaro. Right into Echizen's ear.

"Too loud," Echizen muttered.

"My voice? It's too loud? I'm sorry!" Aoi apologized. His voice, of course, did not get any quieter. "You should come by sometime, I took over oji's position! The rackets I make aren't as good as his, but you might like them!"

Echizen edged away.

~~~~~

"All the people love me!" Atobe exclaimed, champagne glass waving in the air.

Tezuka did not look impressed. In fact, on closer inspection, he was fast asleep (with his eyes open).

"Tezuka, I'm going to purchase a small island and make myself King of it. I want you to be my queen."

Tezuka snapped awake. His face was incapable of expression, but on the inside, he was incredibly weirded out by Atobe's previous statement.

"Ah, I don't think so," Fuji Syusuke said, appearing at Tezuka's side. "Because Tezuka is going to be mine."

This prompted a rather nasty catfight, complete with biting and scratching. Hair went flying, and screaming ensued.

Tezuka withdrew silently, and went to have a conversation with Tachibana. It would be much safer with him.

~~~~~

"Are Fuji-san and Atobe-san all right over there?" Tachibana asked.

Tezuka shrugged. 

A huge crowd had gathered around the catfight. There appeared to be no winner as of yet. Tezuka couldn't decide which he would prefer...or rather, he couldn't decide who would be worse. Both were equally scary.

"Tezuka-san..."

"Hn?"

"You know, I always wanted to ask you if you..."

Both Atobe and Fuji seemed to have excellent hearing. Their heads snapped up, and they glared over at Tachibana. They began to advance.

Tezuka once again slipped away. He wondered when he'd gotten so popular.

~~~~~

"What are you doing, Momo-sempai?" Echizen asked of the man who was currently hiding behind him.

"Hiding from Kamio! He's been chasing me around with a fork, trying to exact his revenge on me."

"I see."

"Good thing you got so tall, Echizen! You grew up into a fine young man!"

"You sound like an old woman."

"Don't insult your sempai!"

Echizen snorted. "Find somewhere else to hide."

"Echizen! I wasn't finished talking to you!" Aoi yelled, from somewhere across the room. Echizen flinched. 

"On second thought, let's find somewhere good to hide together."

~~~~~

How Yanagisawa's rear end had caught fire, no one knew. All that anyone knew was that he was currently running around, screaming at the top of his lungs. "DAA NEEE!"

Hiyoshi Wakashi very valiantly removed his jacket, and used it to douse the fire (by hitting Yangisawa's ass with it a few times.)

"Thank you, da ne."

"You're welcome. My name is --"

Yanagisawa was not listening. In fact, he had already left.

"Doesn't anyone care?" Hiyoshi howled.

There was no reply.

~~~~~

Oishi and Kajimoto were still shaking hands, five minutes after they'd greeted one another. It was difficult to think of a topic of conversation.

"Um...I married Eiji."

"I married Hiroshi."

"Um..."

"I had feelings for you back in junior high."

"Oh really? Why?"

"We shook hands once."

"Ah, I see."

"Maybe we should stop the handshake now. People are starting to look at us a little strangely."

"Yes. Indeed."

"Nice seeing you again, Oishi-san."

"Same to you, Kajimoto."

A full five minutes later, a shrill shriek could be heard.

"Nyaaa! Shuichiro, why are you holding that guy's hand!"

"Ooops."

~~~~~

"Would you like to try my newest invention? It's called Super Special Money Bags Flavor Inui Juice," Inui said, grinning at his latest victim.

"Anou...Inui-san...desu..." After escaping Yanagisawa, Dan Taichi had run into Inui, and started conversing about this and that, which had eventually led to Inui Juice, as all things Inui tended to.

"It will improve your performance at your job," Inui said, glasses glinting.

"...desu..." Dan Taichi was being backed up into a wall, and Inui was pulling a thermos out of his briefcase. He was terrified. 

"Don't worry. I've adjusted the flavor. It's very good."

"Inui-san..."

"If you don't drink it, you're fired," Inui said -- in a very scary voice. He'd become a true business tycoon.

"I don't work for you, desu!"

"Everyone works for me." This said with a very scary grin.

"Inui-sempai! Stop terrorizing people!" Kaido exclaimed, appearing out of nowhere. "Sss."

"Ah, I'm saved, desu!" Dan Taichi ran away, as Kaido shook a finger at poor Inui. Dan Taichi couldn't decide who was more scary, Inui or his nagging wife!

~~~~~

"So, what do you do for a living?" Sengoku asked of the orange-haired man he had ended up standing beside at some point.

"I'm a hairdresser."

"Oh?"

"Yes. But sometimes the boy rabbits bite when I put them in skirts." Davide seemed to find this statement incredibly hilarious, and snorted. Unfortunately, Bane-san was not there to kick him in the head, because he was caught up in a conversation with Shinji of Fudomine. (Literally caught up -- Shinji's mumbling had grown even worse over time, yet he had somehow become a DJ at a local radio station, much to everyone's utter disbelief.)

"So what do you do?" Davide asked.

"I'm a stock broker," Sengoku said. "Because I'm just so damn lucky! I'm going to be filthy rich in a matter of a few years, and then I'm going to retire."

Davide couldn't think of a clever joke to add to the end of that, so he just nodded. 

Wakato Hiroshi happened to stop by them at that point. He was making the rounds, showing off his beautiful self to anyone who would look. Wakato Hiroshi's picture was everywhere these days -- in ads for anything ranging from hamburgers to hair spray to underwear. 

He gave Davide and Sengoku a charming smile, and then he happened to actually _see_ who he was showing off to.

The two men stared at him. He stared back. They stared at each other.

"We all have orange hair," Davide said.

"We should start a club," Sengoku commented.

"I think that might have been done before," Hiroshi said.*

~~~~~

"So I told Kamio not to drink when we got here, because it always goes to his head, and I knew he'd end up doing something stupid involving Momoshiro, like chasing him around with a fork, but did he listen to me? Of course not, because he never listens to me, because..."

Bane-san came to a revelation that night. Davide's jokes were bliss.

~~~~~

"I think...I always loved you, all along, I just couldn't bring myself to admit it."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really. I...I was such a coward!" He burst into tears.

"Shh. It's okay now. You know, because we're so much older and so much more mature now, everything will be all right."

"I just wish we could have been together all these years!" More tears.

"So what are you two talking about?" Saeki asked, as he approached Itsuki and Kabaji.

Both men blushed.

"Nande!" Itsuki exclaimed.

"Usu," Kabaji stated.

"I should have known," Saeki said, shaking his head. "All you can do is ask questions, and all I've ever heard you say is Usu!" 

Itsuki and Kabaji winked at each other behind Saeki's back. They had hidden depths, those two.

~~~~~

"Tezuka! Who do you want out of the three of us?" Atobe demanded, waving a hand to indicate himself, Fuji, and Tachibana. Atobe's shirt was gone, having been shredded to bits, and he was covered in scratches. Tachibana's eyes were little swirls. One was puffed up as well, and there was a large lump on his head. Fuji's arm hung limp at his side. Somehow Atobe had managed to injure his shoulder. Go figure.

"..." Tezuka tried to edge away, but there was a wall in his way.

"Answer!" Atobe demanded.

"Hn," Tezuka said.

"I knew you'd pick me!" Atobe exclaimed.

"Ah, but he picked me," Fuji said pleasantly, with a smile on his face.

"Ow..." Tachibana moaned.

~~~~~

The twins from Johsei Shounan were both sweatdropping profusely. A drunken Kamio was demanding to know where they were hiding Momoshiro.

"We haven't seen him," said twin one.

"Nor do we want to, really," said twin two.

"You know, I have trouble telling the four of you apart," Kamio said.

The twins gave each other a _look_. It was kind of sad. No one could ever tell them apart -- not when they'd dyed their hair different colors, not when they'd taken to wearing radically different clothes, not even after they'd had their names tatooed to their foreheads.

It was frustrating.

~~~~~

"Atsushi!"

"Ryo!"

The twins were reunited! It was touching. It was inspirational. It was...overlooked in the anime?

"I didn't know they were twins!" someone random exclaimed.

Neither did I.

~~~~~

"Hey, Echizen, do you think it's safe to get out of hiding?" Momoshiro asked.

Echizen shrugged. "Probably."

The second they emerged, they were faced with Inui, an evil look in his glasses.

"I've been collecting data on everyone," he said. "I want to collect some data on both of you."

"What are you going to do with data about us?" Momoshiro asked. "It's not like you play tennis with us or against us anymore."

"I have my reasons."

"I think I want to go back and hide some more," Momoshiro muttered.

Echizen Ryoma agreed.

~~~~~

"Hey, why weren't Rikkaidai invited, nya?" Eiji asked Shishido and Ohtori.

"I think it has to do with Atobe-san and Sanada-san's nasty breakup," Ohtori replied. 

"They were a COUPLE?"

~~~~~

Somewhere out there...(beneath the pale moonlight?)

"I wish we'd been invited to the reunion," Sanada said.

"You and Atobe probably would have killed each other," Yanagi said.

"That's why I wish I'd been invited. I want to get my hands on that bastard's scrawny little neck."

(Back at the reunion, Atobe sneezed.

"I hope it's not Sanada talking about me...I hate that guy.")

~~~~~

Somewhere in a corner, Hiyoshi Wakashi was playing solitaire.

"Ah yes, Hiyoshi Wakashi. What was that phrase you liked again? Ah, I must be slipping...I can't find that page in my notebook. Although, it has been a while."

Hiyoshi looked up with wide eyes at Inui Sadaharu, and proceeded to throw himself at the very tall business tycoon.

"You remembered my name! I love you! Please marry me!"

Inui sweatdropped. Kaido, who was never far from Inui, hissed dangerously, pried Hiyoshi from Inui's person, and chased him away.

"I only want to be remembeeereeed!" Hiyoshi wailed, as he ran.

"Hey, who was that guy who just ran by screaming?"

"Who knows."

~~~~~

Kikumaru, self-proclaimed referee of the catfight, held Fuji's arm up, proclaiming his victory. Somehow, the east corner of the room had become a boxing ring.

"Fuji wins Tezuka!" Eiji exclaimed.

"..." Tezuka had never agreed to that, but no one had thought to ask his opinion.

Atobe seethed in his corner of the ring. (Tachibana had not participated. He was still unconscious from earlier.)

"One day, I will make you my queen, Tezuka Kunimitsu!"

"I didn't know that Tezuka was into crossdressing..."

"He has the legs for it, though."

"..." Tezuka wondered why he'd bothered to come to the reunion in the first place. Oh wait -- he remembered now.

In a very loud and commanding voice, he bellowed "Everyone! Five million laps! NOW!"

And they had no choice but to comply, since the very fires of Hell were in Tezuka Kunimitsu's eyes that night.

~~~~~

As everyone caught their breath from the rather large number of laps they'd been running, Atobe stood before them once more.

"Thank you all for coming to this reunion. The real reason ore-sama brought you all here is to let you know that I'm soon going to be the king of a small island, and I want you all to become my subjects!"

A few rotten tomatoes came into contact with Atobe Keigo's face.

"Kabaji! Off with their heads!"

"Usu."

The crowd scattered, and the weirdest reunion ever came to a close.

...But not before Akutsu Jin appeared in a pair of tights, and performed for all of them. Echizen Ryoma had nightmares for the rest of his life, and he never went to another reunion again.

~~~~~

* Anyone remember UnderAppreciated OrangeHaired Men Unite ?


End file.
